Many people come into couples therapy with this fear. It can take real courage to sit in a room knowing that someone you love—and may also feel deeply hurt by—might describe you, your intentions, or your relationship in ways you don’t recognize or experience as fair.

I don’t assume that either partner’s account gives me the whole picture. You will have room to tell me how you experience yourself and the relationship, including when you feel misunderstood or misrepresented. We can slow things down enough to understand each person’s experience while also becoming curious about what may be missing, misunderstood, or difficult for the other person to see.

My aim is not to arrive quickly at a verdict about whose version is correct, but to develop a fuller and more nuanced understanding of both of you and of what is happening between you.

It is common for one person to be more ready for therapy than the other. Your partner does not need to be enthusiastic or convinced that therapy will help in order for a first conversation to be worthwhile. Hesitation, skepticism, anger, or fear about therapy can themselves be important to understand. If your partner is unwilling to participate at all, individual therapy can still offer a place to explore your experience and choices, though it is different from working with the relationship together.

You do not need to arrive ready to forgive, let go, or feel differently than you do. Anger can carry important information about hurt, betrayal, unmet needs, boundaries, or something that has not yet been adequately acknowledged or repaired. Rather than treating anger as something to get rid of, we can become curious about what it is protecting or asking for. If forgiveness or softening comes, it should emerge honestly from the work rather than being imposed as a goal.

Couples therapy does not require me to assume that both partners’ accounts are equally accurate, or that responsibility is always shared equally. I pay attention to each person’s experience as well as patterns of behavior, inconsistencies, accountability, and what unfolds between you in the room. My role is not to quickly decide who is “right,” but neither is it to flatten meaningful differences or assume every conflict is simply a mutual pattern. When honesty and trust are part of the problem, they can become part of the work.

No. Some couples come wanting to strengthen their relationship; others come with real uncertainty about whether—or how—to remain together. Therapy can be a place to understand what has happened, what each of you wants, what might be repairable, and what may not be. The work does not require deciding the outcome in advance.

Yes. Sexuality can be an important part of a relationship, and there can be room to talk about desire, differences in desire, attraction, sexual pain or dysfunction, avoidance, shame, dissatisfaction, and changes in a couple’s sexual relationship. These conversations require particular sensitivity. The goal is not to pressure either partner into sex, disclosure, attraction, or a particular sexual experience, nor to use vulnerable information in ways that create further hurt. We can approach these subjects carefully, with attention to consent, emotional safety, each person’s dignity, and the relationship between sexuality and the larger dynamics between you.

Yes. My couples intake begins with an initial session together, followed by an individual session with each partner. Meeting with each of you separately helps me develop a fuller understanding of your individual histories, perspectives, and experiences, as well as the larger relationship system we will be working with. After the intake process, our work is primarily together as a couple, though there may be times when an individual session is clinically useful.

Yes. I do not have a blanket “no-secrets” policy in couples therapy. If you share something with me individually, I will not automatically disclose it to your partner.

At the same time, secrets can sometimes have an important impact on the relationship or on our work together. If something you share privately becomes clinically significant to the couples work, we may explore what it means, what makes it difficult to bring into the relationship, and whether or how it might eventually need to be addressed. I would approach that conversation with you rather than simply revealing what you have told me.

For couples therapy specifically, I highly recommend meeting in person when possible. Being together in the room allows me to attend more closely to what happens between you—not only what is said, but the subtle shifts in emotion, body language, connection, distance, and attempts to reach or protect one another.

I see couples in person in Crown Heights, Brooklyn, New York. Remote couples therapy is also available for couples located in New York, and we can work in a hybrid format when that is the best fit for your circumstances. If coming in person is possible, particularly as we begin the work, that is generally my preference.